i want to un-feel feelings

There is not a day as a teenager that I truly loved myself. I’ve always pictured that Im always a burden who only brings pain and anger to someone I love. I even viewed myself as someone toxic. I begged the Holy Universe to make me feel less “feelings”. As you grew into a young adult, figuring life out seemed like one of your main task, and figuring your peace state of mind where hormones no longer takes control of your butt is a achievement. It was never easy, and it’s not. But who stayed all along during these times of need, its my ghost of mind. I tried to make it go away, however s/he won’t leave. It’ve stayed for a while that I someone visualised a figure of whats in my mind, as if now s/he’s my friend and no stranger by end. There were days that I succeed when s/he tries to take over of my wheels but the days of unlocking my hate of self was under-control and s/he came out to play was no strange. and when the play was over, I could feel my soul was sitting by the wall with blood covered all over. Stabs was a clean cut and something that was so vividly felt. I didn’t want it to be this way. I dont want these either. But I can’t deny that I still can’t figure out how do I control the ghost inside of me. I can’t lie that I am tired of feeling feelings. That I am tired having ghosts swirling my mind with hatred. But also, maybe I do deserve it. Maybe we do deserve pain. So is this the new normal that I just have to accept? By then do I get to take over too and play my part? By the end of the day do I get to love myself and fight away my ghosts? Do I get to say Im okay and I really am okay? Am I the only one who craves for such peaceful things to myself ? or is it something bad to actually crave for?